Abandonment /Attachment Issues

I don’t have friends. I know people but I can’t seem to know how to be friends with anyone. I’ve had this problem ever since I knew myself.

The problem is I get attached. I like them, I want to become best friends, but I want more.

When I was in elementary school I always had one friend in class. Just the one. But when it’s time to switch classes during the second semesterI find myself surrounded by new people. So the one sitting next to me probably becomes my friend for the time being, and I stop talking to the old friend from the first semester.

This process resulted in a lot of awkward moments, since I was mainly an observer not a talkative kid, I tried to look busy so I would avoid ex friends.

That changed when I moved schools and became a student at the same school mama teaches at. Now 3 of my classmates have mothers who are also teachers in the same school, same grades even. I hated that.

The hunter became the hunted. That was the downfall of my social skills.

Those classmates were friends before. From the first grade, I was new and mama bless her heart was trying her best to make me a social kid, she didn’t know any better at the time; she just said to people” my daughter is just an introvert, but she’s really likes playing, give her time and she’ll become your friend.” Because depression was not a serious issue back then; it was considered a side effect of being away from God and religion, get back to God and your depression would disappear… I was 9 years old.

I didn’t like those girls, they’re very nice, and we’re still acquaintances until now, but at the time, they were normal girls who talked to their mothers, participated in class, got together outside school to play, and sat together during recess, shared lunch… They were normal. I did not do any of the above.

I had one transfer student who was also a daughter of a teacher, she was and still is nasty. I hate her so much. This one girl was a troublemaker. She had no friends because she joined during the second semester. She was rude, a liar, arrogant ( not confident) and did not like to share anything but take everything.

Mama had a very hard time with me because I did not find a single thing to say to her about school, as if I was not there at all; that’s kind of true because I was always daydreaming. I still do that.

So all the other girls were telling their mom’s what happened at school, who vomited in class, who hit her head on the board, who got locked in the bathroom, what the teachers said… but I was daydreaming I was physically in class but really I was not aware of my surroundings… mama knew I was not lying to her, she was upset because her daughter was not the same as the other daughters. & that shitty transfer student was telling her mom EVERYTHING! With focus on me and what I did, so her mom would brag about it at the teacher’s lounge in front of everyone including my mama, and she would feel like a bad mother cause she did not know this from her own daughter. We had countless fights over that.

Mama forced me to befriend this shitty girl, mama thought this girl was amazing, outspoken, perfect; I heard mama telling dad in a moment of frustration that I would give up both my daughters for that girl cause she’s perfect….

Until one day I had a group of friends, who liked me. I liked them too. They were sitting next to me, all around me. I loved them. We stayed together from 4th grade until 8th. They were a fun group, I was safe with them, I could say whatever I wanted and no one would mentally record it and it would reach my mama. They understood & accepted me. We talked about boys, girls, cartoons. we’ve met outside school. I was normal, but mama did not like them.

Mama told me in the 5th grade that this nasty girl is new and I HAVE to be her friend. So I became her bitch. Mama saw the but she thought the shitty only child was better than my friends, the one I made on my own ( because those girls would not tell mama whatever I do, but nasty girl would tell her mom who would in turn tell mama everything I do or say)

This group got fed up with my nasty friend by the 8th grade, and gave me a choice, either to be their friend, or her friend; they won’t share.

I was fed up too at that moment; she did horrible things: bullied other girls, made me her bitch, made up lies about me and made sure to tell her mom so my mama would be embarrassed by me in the teacher’s lounge. She stole, she hit girls, she was a brat… and thought she’s pretty, she’s the only one who thought that; she used to hate everyone prettier than her and started spreading rumors about them; she used to talk about her trip to the USA non stop… and how she forgot her mother tongue that’s why she had to move to this “public school” … we all knew that the trip was for her dad’s work, and she moved to this school because her family’s finances were not that good. Everybody knew but we never said it.

So came the time to make a choice; nast girl, or my badgering friends?

I’ve decided I’ve had enough and told my friends that I won’t be their friends, and told that bitch to fuck off, and stayed alone.

Ever since I’ve developed a weird attachment to “friends”, I always want more. I want to be everything to them, indispensable, irreplaceable, valuable. I get jealous when I see them get close to someone else to the point of never speaking to them again. Just abandon them like they abandoned me. I wanted to be everything to them… even if it’s sexual.

I did not talk about this. Never told anyone about it. Until my little sister started talking about similar issues and I found a friend who is never going to leave me…. But that was too late in university. By that time I’m already effed up.

I can’t have friends I wouldn’t do anything for. I was ready to take everything all the way just to keep friends… one friend at a time of course. Then I stop talking to them when they get what they want from me.

I hate myself for that.

I hate talking about this. I hate this subject.