Admitting Guilt

Sorry is such a silly word we use everyday. I used to say sorry for almost everything. I see my niece when she breaks something; the first thing she says is sorry in a panic. She once dropped a glass after we told her not to touch it since it was high up on the counter. She tried to reach it but sadly she just nudged it off the counter and it fell to the ground and broke. “Sorry sorry sorry “ we’re the only words coming from her mouth at the moment. She didn’t even step away from the broken glass on the floor. I was scared because I saw myself in her. I did not want her to become me. I don’t like that about me.

That incident led to other aggressive discussions with her father, mother and everyone. Best not to talk about it now. Focus woman. It’s about you now.

I used to hate people when they tell me why are you always apologizing, can’t we just talk! My answer would be “sorry! You’re right, let’s just talk” … I usually get a look of “WTF” then an excuse for them to leave. They didn’t like the way I was apologizing.

I once had a message a few hours after a similar interaction with another human, the message said “ can you please stop apologizing for everything? It’s annoying, I can’t even say anything after that because I don’t feel comfortable saying you look nice when you’re constantly apologizing” .. I had a blunt friend at school who deciphered that into “you’re not giving people any chance to get to know you and this guy probably wanted to make a move but you made it awkward, so, maybe stop apologizing for good” .. I’ve considered it, I actually did that.

I stopped talking, unless someone else initiated the conversation, I gave a yes or no answer and as little information as possible,,, with that I got. another message from another coworker saying “Mim, talking to you is like pulling teeth” … I gave up.

I don’t have a problem with apologizing, if I’m wrong or gave up the wrong information to someone for example, I would’ve looked it up, and go apologize to them later. I’m ok with that! But I believe this is a strange phenomena to human, because I did that once at work and got 3 different responses;

1- omg, I’ve never thought you’re the kind that would do that! You actually apologized for being wrong during the argument.

2- why did you do that? What’s the point of it? We were done arguing, there’s no point of doing that now. You’re only making yourself look ignorant! You shouldn’t have done that.

3- and? What am I supposed to do? Why would I care? Go back to work.

I felt bad for that, it’s the right thing, it’s being the bigger person, but I felt bad. I had to apologize but I felt bad. And angry. Like they did not deserve that apology.

saying sorry was a big deal to me at this point. And I’ve never had a problem with it before. I did not realize how much I’ve changed. I’ve grown. That is exactly what bothered me looking at my niece. Seeing my past self.

Now I say sorry I don’t mean. I say it just as courtesy. I’ve exhausted all my genuine “sorrys” before I reached 26. Now I only say it to myself. And God do I have to say it a lot.

Myself is tired of myself. For all the fuckups, embarrassing moments, disappointments, constant failure, never ending whining, malnutrition,…

After all that, I don’t feel good. It’s not working. Myself is not listening or believing me. It knows.

But lately I’m finding comfort, like a breeze inside my chest just going through that BlackHole inside me… that comfort is coming from admitting that I did wrong by myself. It makes me feel lighter. Not like apologizing when I say sorry and I’m supposed to process that, but as understanding I did the wrong thing toward myself, admitting I’m a wrongdoer; to my body, my mind, my soul and feelings, & God sometimes.

I’m trying to understand that more. Because it’s working for me and I want to be happy ( here I’m shooting for the stars; relieved is all I want, I’ll deal with happy later once I resolve this issue)

I keep saying this to myself like a prayer ( forgive me I was wrong) addressing myself only. Yet I feel this strange, dark hateful thing inside, with tiny sharp razors that wants to bitchslap me every time I talk, like a void, badgering me if I do anything else that would make me a functioning human being. Telling me I’m tired of this, I’m useless, I’m invisible, Look at everyone better than you, that I failed at life and it’s time to leave.

The sound of this void is not as strong as it used to be. I hope it gets bored and leaves. I’m tired.