Read & Learn
It’s been a while, actually 5 years, so it’s been long… since I’ve had to talk about what’s on my mind.
It hasn’t been easy for me, not because of life and what’s going on in the world, but because I’ve been living only in my head for five long years or more.
I took time for myself, away from people, away from work, I didn’t Have children though I’ve been married for 9 years because I can’t Take care of myself let alone a kid. You see I had all this time to live for me & only me but that …. That plan backfired.
I’m more insane than I used to be.
My mistakes were:
1- cutting people out of my life
2- burning bridges. (As in connections and relations not pyromania- I have to say that cause I said I’m insane before-)
3- settling in my comfort zone
4- listening to my own head
I have to begin with: I am not a social person. I much rather my own company than any other person, family or spouse. Except for pets. They are welcome anytime. Once at work I had these routine and useless training on “ communication”- I realize now I might have a problem because I had about 20 similar training and I’m still me- the trainer was so passionate and engaging, so I tried to understand what is it that made all my previous manager insist on assigning me to this training because really, I had enough. So I realized I’m a person who recharged on my own, by myself, I need time alone with myself to be normal around people, unlike every other person in that room that day, who had to be around others to recharge their energy, so I’ve became the example for that day. that’s not bad. It’s just different. But that’s how my lonesome life began, by understanding I need to be alone to recharge and be around people again. It’s been 5 years and I’m not ready yet.
The pattern for how I dealt with struggles in my life is the same: never look back, unless it’s regret… and I was always regretful.
This pattern hindered me form taking any steps in my life, good or bad. Im stuck in the same place & time even though everything else around me changed.
Time really bothers me.
Since that incident, I don’t Talk to anyone. I mean No One. I don’t return calls or messages, I don’t engage in talks when I have to like “good morning madam, how are you” my response is “ a pack of cigarettes please, thanks.” I had friends, I thought I did, maybe I still do.. not sure. I was felt betrayed by some of them, I invested so much in relations before, had BFFs and coworkers. But after that I decided to stop talking to everyone. Even my parents. My parents keep telling me you will know what that feels like when you have kids of your own, which scared me, because I know how I get attached to others IF I give them the chance. So I’m talking to my parents now as I’ve decided they must love me unconditionally for some reason. But I’m not letting anyone else in. I’m ashamed to say that but I’m not even talking to my siblings, left the family group on WhatsApp, deleted the app way before the whole Facebook fiasco, Now I’m into collecting text messages, I don’t reply, I just collect… I have 1553 now and counting.
My coworkers, bosses, family and relatives, maybe friends, banks … I’ve managed to live alone, all Thanks to my lonesome mind and destructive behavior.
In the movies I used to see a man losses his mind when he gets fired, flip the desks, throw stuff at people, I used to see angry women breaking gaming consoles, beating their spouses, basically ruining their lives before leaving. I saw kids throwing a tantrum, pets getting frustrated with their owners by biting them or leaving… but I never saw. What comes after that. How they get to move on from that. They show you the star of the show, the boss who fired the employee, the spouse who followed his heart and ended up with the person they love, the misunderstood kid who had enough with unexplained NOs, the pet who got fed up with his owners possession with taking the perfect video to post on social Medea… Looking back, I acted in a way I regret for reasons known to me alone. For expectations of a promotion turned termination of contract. I burned bridges. Lots of bridges. I’m stuck on an island surrounded by monsters created in my own mind for me only to see… no one else around me sees them. They see the land side in the back of my island, it’s connected to them, they don’t understand why I won’t Just turn my head and make the effort to walk along and cross to be with them. It’s not like I can never return to that lonely place if I want to! It’s still there. But I am face the wrong way and I Don’t look Back.
My misery donuts want company. It’s doing fine on it’s own. No more room for another because I’m going to have rearrange my disappointment, fears, expectations, the tiny crumbly twig of hope that’s keeping the window open, the whole baggage and to be honest… I’m too tired to rearrange or clean up the mess I’m not recharged yet.
My beautiful head (I read that I need to be positive when talking to myself cause the mind doesn’t diff encosté between good or bad so I’m being nice to me cause god knows I don’t trust people now & I won’t Let anyone else be nice to me)tells me: you are Good the way you are. It’s just the two of us (not schizophrenic, with all due respect for them, but I checked, this is self talk) and I will keep you busy for a life time. He keeps me entertained, worried, never ever failed to make me cry. My mind is the monster I know. Whenever my mind is bored it takes the little twig of hope, the one holding the tiny window of hope, shutting ot and start running through the various Scenarios of “What If”, it pushes me to be almost done with life, then it proceeded with taking it the same twig again to whip me with it just to give me a reason to live, to ask the right Qs, to look for something or someone long enough to keep me alive… the mind then place the twig back to hold the slightly bigger window( since it’s my mind I believe it’s an optical illusion not that the window got bigger, I know how this jerk works) and I’m back at my usual spot, usual coffee, looking at others and wondering when will I allow someone to build another bridge to my hermit island.